Tag Archives: Autumn

Waxy alien irradiated dog penis

This scared the pants off me this afternoon:

Moonflower1

I bent forward to look closer at it and actually said out loud, on my porch, “Oh my god. What the fuck is that?”

Morning glories are supposed to look like this (note the smallish, normal-looking pod):

MorningGlories1

When I saw the gigantic wrong-looking morning glory penis pod, I really did wonder what was wrong with my plants, and what could have got into them to suddenly make them start sprouting such disturbing-looking buds. It creeped me out. A lot.

I started inspecting the rest of that bunch, and then saw this:

Moonflower2

What a relief. I realized that the waxy alien irradiated dog penis thing was actually a moonflower bud. I had put some moonflower seeds in with the morning glories this year but they hadn’t bloomed until now. So far, these are the only ones I’ve seen, and since it’s late September, there probably won’t be any more this year.

I may not get to see either of them in full flower because that might be around 3 AM. But maybe one will still be in bloom tomorrow morning. If so, I’ll take a photo and add it to this post.

This led to a convoluted conversation with Nitram that started out with my telling him how the moonflower bud scared me and grossed me out and ended with talking about cold medicines from the ’70s and ’80s. In between was the corpse flower; skunk cabbage; how smells can send you back to a memory in an instant; the smell of orange-scented nitrous oxide at the dentist’s when I was a kid (mixed with the smell of the black rubber mask, ick); the taste, smell, and consistency of that glutinous orange-flavored Triaminic cold medicine in the ’70s; the uselessness of Sucrets (made your tongue and punching bag numb but did nothing for your sore tonsils); and the experience of having your mom fight with you to spray Chloraseptic down your throat.

Holy crap. I just looked up all three of those meds and they’re still making them. I’m going to have nightmares about those now instead of the alien flower pod penis.

UPDATE 9.27.14:

Friday afternoon, the moonflower that was trying to bloom gave it up and fell to the ground without fully opening.  Last night, the penile one bloomed:

Moonflower3wm

It’s still in bloom today, but will probably close up and die once the sun hits it directly:

Moonflower4wm

Utterly fascinating, I know.

Junk


It’s freezing out on the porch tonight.

Nitram is doing his dance. When he gets cold out on the porch, he does something no sane person should do: stands away from the wall, right in the path of the wind, rocks from side to side with his legs all stiff and slightly spread.

Hey, if I was a guy, I would not let my junk get in the wind like that. But guy or girl, you’ve got to have some sense when you’re out on the porch in November and it’s not much above 20 degrees and really windy: you stand next to the wall, hunker down in all your layers of coats and sweats and slippers, and DO NOT SPREAD YOUR LEGS.

Common sense, c’mon. When you’re cold, you do not open your most vulnerable areas to the biting, chilling wind.

Me: The fuck’re you doing? That dance. How can that help?
Nitram: The cops get told to stamp their feet when they’re on patrol in winter.
Me: Stamping your feet is one thing, airing your junk is another.
Nitram: Airing your…. what? What??
Me: You’re exposing your package to the elements! Do like I do! Stand and shiver!
Nitram: You’re crazy.
Me: Right, I’m crazy. I’m not the one letting my danglies catch the winter breeze.
Nitram: This keeps me warm.
Me: Oh really. If you’re so warm, how come you’re the one miserable out here and I’m the one all toasty. Ya gotta protect the jewels.
Nitram: You don’t have any jewels!
Me: I do too! They’re just all tucked away, nice and safe and warm like they’re supposed to be. You don’t see me airing my cooze to the wind.
Nitram: I am not airing, I’m trying to keep warm!
Me: Put your legs together!
Nitram: No!
Me: Hey…
Nitram: Oh jeeze…
Me: No really. So if you put your legs together, wouldn’t that shield everything?
Nitram: garrrrrrrrrr
Me: What. Well, you know how guys sit.
Nitram: How do guys sit?
Me (spreads legs wide, semi-squats, trying to make like Bubba): You know, like this, with all their stuff all exposed and shit.
Nitram: And shit.
Me (straightens up, closing legs to protect the good stuff): Damn, that’s cold. Hey, what happens to your junk when you sit like that? I guess it all falls down.
Nitram (chokes on beer): WHAT. It does not… what??
Me: You know, if you sit like Bubba, first it’s in the front — I guess — and if you spread your legs, it all… flops onto the seat, the chair?
Nitram: I gotta go inside.
Me: No, wait, what happens?
Nitram: It does not… it doesn’t flop anywhere… oh Jesus Christ.
Me: Come on, tell me. What happens? Where do your ghoolies go?
Nitram: Nothing happens!
Me: Doesn’t it have to go somewhere…?
Nitram: No!
Me: Well, show me.
Nitram: No!
Me: Well, shit. How will I ever I ever know?
Nitram: Why don’t you get Neal to show you. You two are always talking about gross things.
Me: I don’t want to see Neal’s junk! I always see yours, why won’t you show me how you sit!
Nitram: I’m going in.
Me: I’d show you how I sit.
Nitram: I’m going in.

Oh, sure, that’s right: when in the wrong, or intimidated — or when your junk is cold — retreat.

But DO NOT SPREAD YOUR LEGS.

Leaves

Early this Spring, when it was still somewhat cool and dry and breezy, Nitram was smoking on the front porch late one night. He saw something approaching across the lawn, from the right — something smallish, light-colored, moving erratically. A skunk! Maybe a baby skunk. As we do, he decided to talk softly to it to let it know he was out there so it wouldn’t get startled and spray him (this has worked well so far).

“Hey… skunk. I’m out here. It’s just me, smoking a cigarette…”

The shape danced across the lawn.

“Skunk… don’t spray me. It’s just me… la la la…”

The shape suddenly shifted direction and came at him rapidly.

“Yah! Skunk! Don’t spray me! Ah shit… don’t— oh. Ha. Oops.”

As it got closer he realized what it was: a very large, faded leaf from last year, nearly white with age, blowing across the lawn. “Boy, did I feel stupid, out there talking to a leaf.”

A week ago, I was on the back porch feeding the squirrels and jays and chipmunks. Everyone was dancing around madly: “Me! Me! No, Me! Nom!” Out the corner of my eye I saw another small creature jump up in hopes of a peanut, and out loud I cried, “Oh it’s so cute and tiny, what is it!”

A leaf.

We both just went for eye exams. Our glasses should be in this week.