Tag Archives: marriage

Making Wind

Nitram: Boy, you sure were hootin’ a lot last night.
Me: It’s your fault.
Nitram: How is it my fault! I wasn’t—
Me (making arm motions like I’m shaking out a big sheet): You came in and went!
Nitram: But I wasn’t—
Me: I swear! It’s your fault. You make wind when you get in and let the cold air in and wake me up.
Nitram: But I wasn’t even IN THE ROOM.
Me (*blink* *blink*): Oh. Well. It’s still your fault.
Nitram: Oh, okay.
Me: Yeah, I was pre-hooting. For when you come in and— *waves arms around again, hoots*
Nitram: You’re crazy. *hoots back at me*

*both of us stand in the kitchen, waving our arms and hooting at each other*

Nitram: It was so loud.
Me: You could hear me from the other room?
Nitram: Yeah. *squinting and acting like a freak* aiee yay yi yi.
Me: Then it’s definitely your fault!
Nitram: How!?
Me: If you could hear me from the other room, it means I must have been having a nightmare, and you should have come in and pet my head.
Nitram: But, but — you would hit me like you always do when you’re asleep!
Nitram: Hey!
Me: *zzzzzzzzzzz*
Nitram: Oh, right.
Me (at the stove): Damn, these turnips are taking forever.
Nitram: I’m sorry. I’ll try to do better next time.
Me: What?
Nitram: Because it’s obviously my fault that the turnips are taking forever to cook.
Me: That’s right.

*we start hooting and waving our arms at each other again*

Nitram (cracking himself up): The best one…! This is the best one… *squints, bends over like an old man, wrinkles nose, shuffles across the kitchen, makes noise like a goose farting* hhhennnhhhhhhh… henhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Me: *collapsing onto chair laughing, falling right off it onto floor, laughing harder*
Nitram (pointing): Hahaha!
Me: Oww! It’s your fault!
Nitram (on the way out the door to volleyball): I HAVE TO GO NOW.

We kiss, making stupid hooting and croaking noises, and he shuffles out onto the porch in the old man stance, squinting and honking loudly. From across the drive I hear Tim, the neighbor: “Hi, Nitram!”

Hahaha! Tim must have thought… what? Or maybe he’d had enough beers that it didn’t matter.

The Blowfish of Peru

We’re having soup and leftover pizza for dinner. Sounds weird. Is good.

Nitram: Something in the laundry room smells funny.

Me: Funny how?

Nitram: I dunno.

Me: Well, what’s it smell like.

Nitram: I dunno, it just smells… unpleasant.

Me: Unpleasant.

Nitram: Yeah.

Me: Unpleasant how? I mean, what it’s smell like?

Nitram: I don’t know.

Me: How can you not know. Can’t you describe it?

Nitram (sighs): No. Well… it doesn’t smell like farts, it doesn’t smell like dead people… What?

My eyes are brimming. I have to put down my spoon.

Nitram: …it doesn’t smell like, like — the blowfish of Peru… what?

Me: You’re trying to kill me!

Nitram: Then stop eating.

Me: “The blowfish of Peru—” oh, God!

Then he starts laughing because I can’t stop, and he turns his back on me with a mouthful of soup he can’t swallow.

It takes a while but finally we’re calm enough to resume eating.

Me: After dinner, we should go upstairs and sniff the laundry room—

And we’re off again. Cold soup.

You All Look Alike

Me: Here, listen to this.
*music plays*
Me: Do you get anything out of it?
Nitram: Is it some kind of Grateful Dead thing…?
Me (trying to not gag): Ack! NO.
Nitram: What…?
Me: Okay, if you could read the lyrics and listen, would that help?
Nitram: Do I have to?
Me: Yes.
Him (long-suffering): Okay…
Me (brings lyrics up on screen while playing music): ‘k, lissen.
*music plays*

You All Look Alike
The Byrds

Starlight crossed my eyes, she took me by surprise
Said You’d come to town last summer, brought me down
I said I’ve never seen the likes of you before
She pulled a gun and not in fun, I’m dyin’ on the floor

You all look alike, I’m sorry I don’t know
You all look alike, we never met before
No matter how I try to say I’ve never been down this way
Said I couldn’t be fair, ’cause you all look alike

Lyin’ there and dyin’ there I’m tryin’ to get my strength
It’s so hard to get on back when you’re lyin’ at full length
All the crowds and all the dogs from miles around just stare
They looked at me and shed a tear, I’m glad those people care

You all look alike, I’m sorry I don’t know
You all look alike, we never met before
No matter how I try to say I’ve never been down this way
Said I couldn’t be fair, ’cause you all look alike

You all look alike, I’m sorry I don’t know
You all look alike, we never met before
No matter how I try to say I’ve never been down this way
Said I couldn’t be fair, ’cause you all look alike

Me: So, what did you get out of that?
Nitram: Get out of…?
Me: Arrgh. Do you get anything out of the lyrics? A story or something?
Nitram: Some guy kills a dog…?
Me: aieeeeee
Nitram: What…?
Me: He’s some guy who fucks over — and fucks — a lot of women, and one time he goes someplace he’s never been before — a very unfriendly town by the sound of it — and this woman mistakes him for a different guy who fucked her over, and she kills him. I get the sense that she’s kind of insane anyway. The irony is that he’s not that guy, but he is that guy in the sense that he’s everyman in respect to the situation, cos all those women are alike to him anyway. So she gets retribution, and he gets what he’s always deserved anyway. I just thought it was kind of cool all that was packed into a simple little song, especially the irony.
Nitram: (looks at me like I’m barking): No, I totally didn’t get that.

I grew up watching lots of science fiction, Westerns, and martial arts movies because that’s what my grandfather watched, and I always watched TV with him. So when I was a kid I thought this song was about a Western, because of the shooting and the classic town-unfriendly-to-strangers theme, but I was too young/clueless to figure out the “plot.” When I was a teen and really into the SF I thought maybe it was about this poor guy stumbling upon a town of creepy aliens and they had to kill him to keep him from revealing them. It wasn’t until I was in my 30s and heard it again after a long time that I finally figured out what it was really about.